La Cigarette by Sauvanne Margaux

I like the smell of cigarettes and autumn leaves in my hair. There is something terribly romantic about it. It reminds me of spices and rebel urges. I hate smoking but I love the smell of cigarettes embedded in my pores, threaded into my coat and mixed up in my hair. So I do it as a treat. A drag here and a drag there. Never enough to make me cough, just enough to make me feel a tad dizzy and get a mildly itchy throat. I once vowed I would never do it. Smoking seemed so out of line for me. I was the girl who dabbled in drugs, drank when she felt like it but NEVER smoked a cig… until I did. I didn’t choke and weaze the first time like most do. I just inhaled and exhaled in one smooth movement. ‘Godammit, why am I good at this?’’ I thought. ‘‘This is the last thing I need to be good at. I’d be better off being good at writing tests or answering trivia or saying the alphabet backwards. But smokin cigs? This is not what I want to be good at.’’ It was a confidence booster I did not need. This is what started my flirtatious relationships with cigarettes. Even the word is sexy. It’s french. Saying it slowly, letting it roll off your tongue is almost as seductive as the exhale you release when you have one in between your keen little fingers. La cigarette. I don’t crave one until it is in front of me. And even then not often. But when the desire overwhelms me I cannot ignore it. A cigarette is my secret lover. I know I should not be seeing her but every so often I simply cannot hold myself back. She is a terrible seductress, ask anyone who’s placed their lips to hers. She is acrid and addictive. A deadly combination, but a seductive one nonetheless. I always tell myself that I won’t ever have another but I have stopped caring. It is an indulgence I allow myself after a long week of school, or just a bloody bad day. What doesn’t kill you makes you…calmer? I don’t actually know if cigarettes make me calmer. But they make me forget. They make me lose perspective which I find I have too much of most of the time. Damn…I’d like a cigarette.